Dear John, I Love Jane: Women Write about Leaving Men for Women

Title: Dear John, I Love Jane: Women Write about Leaving Men for Women
Editor: Candace Welsh and Laura André
Genre: Autobiographical Anthology
Format: Kindle
Published: 2010
Opening Line: 'This gripping collection of first-person narratives will undoubtedly expand and deepen your understanding of women’s sexuality, whether you are gay, straight, or somewhere in between.' (Location 39)

Arousing, inspiring, and bold, this Seal Press anthology reveals a new awareness of female sexuality.

Kicking things off, Dr. Lisa Diamond's foreword states, "These women have bravely explored every edge of the supposed boundary dividing the queer from the straight, before from after, truth from falsehood, self from façade, and girl from woman....In the end, each of these women makes her own peace with identity, desire, kinship, community, partnership, and self, sometimes with a lover by her side, sometimes alone."

27 essays follow, by smart, hilarious, and heroically honest writers, who, like Cynthia Nixon, Portia de Rossi, and Wanda Sykes, left heterosexual lives behind to pursue relationships with women.

Activist and author Jennifer Baumgardner closes the book with this grace note: "...the dominant power in this book is love. You read the word over and over on these pages. These stories are not just about finding that perfect person to love, but finding yourself and loving her. It’s being connected to something between women; feeling that you are on the side of all of the women who ever wanted something more and who wanted to be bigger or different than the narrow silhouette of traditional womanhood. It’s chafing against the idea that women could only love or be loved in a certain way and proving that assumption dead wrong."

Dear John, I Love Jane is a timely, candid exploration of female sexuality and personal choice.
(From http://www.dearjohnilovejane.com)

Quotes:
'Living as a whole person, and learning to accept my own messy contradictions, is not only politically powerful, but much more sexually satisfying.' (Location 746)

'It is our desire to help people see us as their neighbors, their friends, and to see that our sexuality and identity are nothing to fear. We are spiritual, we are mothers and fathers, workers, shoppers, devoted family members, much more similar to heterosexuals than different. We’re not here to destroy families, seduce straight people, or scare anyone. We are here to live our lives and love the people we love. One of the unfortunate aspects of being gay in our culture is that while I had so many rights as a married straight woman, I do not have the same rights as a married gay woman. I still pay taxes and support my country in many ways. It is unfortunate that my rights are not equal because of my sexuality. We are here to be Americans, to claim the truth of “All people are created equal,” and to receive equal access to the constitutional pursuit of our happiness. It will be a beautiful day when that happiness—alongside our rights—will be recognized for all Americans.' (Location 3074)

'So there I was, in an “official” lesbian relationship. No man around. We could go to Gay Pride and everything. I expected it to feel different than my straight relationship—and it did—but not for the reasons I was expecting. It felt different to be in a relationship where my partner actually loved all of my shortcomings instead of mocking them, where I was encouraged to be who I was instead of being molded into a person that made my partner look better, where the sex was mind-blowingly fantastic. It felt different to be in a relationship with someone who actually wanted children and was willing to work hard at parenting. The relationship felt different, but it wasn’t because my partner was a woman. It was because my partner was Kia. It wasn’t her sex or gender that made things different. It was because I had chosen the right person, the person who loved me for me, and who wanted to be with me.' (Location 3353)

'If I look back on this journey, I see a collection of moments, occasional lights along the dark path of memory.' (Location 3544)

'While I see political energy all over these stories, the dominant power in this book is love. You read the word over and over on these pages. These stories are not just about finding that perfect person to love, but finding yourself and loving her. It’s being connected to something between women; feeling that you are on the side of all of the women who ever wanted something more and who wanted to be bigger or different than the narrow silhouette of traditional womanhood. It’s chafing against the idea that women could only love or be loved in a certain way and proving that assumption dead wrong.' (Location 3915)

Thoughts: The book contains 27 essays about very different women in very different circumstances. What do they have in common? They all were in relationships with men when they fell in love with a woman. These aren't women who spent all of their lives (or even much of their lives) as lesbians, either denying their sexuality or living it. They didn't know they were interested in woman. In fact many were very much interested in men only and many even spent much of their lives in love with men. Each woman tells her story.

Every story is very different. Some women leave their husband or boyfriend, some stay. Some leave on good terms, some on bad terms. Some are supported by their family, some rejected by them. Some stay with the woman that made a difference in their life, others with a later woman, or stay single. There is as much variation in the stories as their are in the woman. For some, the story starts in their 20s or earlier, some are late in life. But for all, their life is changed and will never be the same.

All of the stories touched me. Many made me cry. These women are raw and honest. I felt their pain and I felt their joy. I felt their vulnerability and their strength. These are stories about being real, being true to yourself, being honest with yourself.

Some people reading this book won't be able to read it with an open mind. It might offend some people. But if you read it for what it is, people being honest about their life, about what they did right and about their mistakes, about what the lost and what they gained, you will enjoy and be touched by this book.

Reviewed by:

~Raven